Stimming – Should I Make My Child Stop?
There we were, sitting in the middle of an eerily quiet church service in a new city. We clearly picked the wrong one to visit…you could hear a pin drop! Prayer begins, and little man starts humming loudly…”uh huh huh huh huh.” Sigh. Then big brother decides it’s time to start shaking his head so vigorously that his headphones fly off. Queue purse snatch and fast exit…stimming has won this battle!
Usually the boys do fairly well, but they definitely get more anxious in new settings, so I should have seen it coming. Their stimming behaviors help to calm them. Sometimes they shake their heads or flap their hands. Big brother is usually more subtle when he’s anxious, with simple tapping or rubbing of his thumbs against each finger, over and over. Little man decided to take up vocal stimming, with a hum that calms him down. I usually wait it out and see if they will settle, but I took the opportunity to exit an uncomfortably quiet service that time!
What’s the right way to handle stimming? I have heard so many people questioning how to handle these coping mechanisms. Many parents believe they should stop the behaviors altogether, to make their children appear more “normal.” There are even some therapies, especially ABA, which try to eliminate them. What’s the appropriate response?
What is stimming?
Before we can determine whether or not to stop the behavior, it is important to understand what stimming actually is, and why people with autism do it. Stimming is a shortened version of the term “self-stimulatory behaviors.”
It presents in many ways. Stimming can look like flapping hands or snapping fingers, chewing everything, watching wheels spin, rocking back and forth, picking skin, and countless other behaviors. It is a way for autistic individuals to receive sensory input, block out unwanted sensory input, communicate, process anxiety, and find balance.
What’s the issue then? It sounds like stimming is a good thing. So why do people want to stop it?
Check out this easy read about stimming for more info!
Should I make my child stop stimming?
Many stimming behaviors are subtle, and even some neurotypical adults stim without realizing it. You’ve seen it – hair twirling, leg shaking, nail biting, pen clicking. Those are all examples of socially acceptable stims, but there are a slew of others that draw attention in public.
In general, it is not necessary (or advised) to snuff out your child’s self-regulatory behaviors, unless they are causing problems. While there are many benefits to stimming, there are three instances where it is frowned upon.
1)If the stimming behaviors are socially unacceptable
Many stimming behaviors are considered socially unacceptable. People just aren’t used to seeing things like spinning, hand-flapping, rocking, head shaking, and other behaviors that are pretty normal to us. And for those kinds of behaviors, there really us no good reason to make your child stop, unless they are causing a disturbance. Use your judgment in each situation.
Stimming at home
In general, if your child is stimming at home, without harming anyone or anything, there is no good reason to try to stop them. If you know that your child struggles with anxiety, and that is the reason they are stimming so much, try implementing some new calming techniques. If you’re fresh out of ideas, click the image below to download my FREE printable list of 50 calming strategies…surely you’ll find something you haven’t thought of yet! Another great way to reduce anxiety in your child’s daily home life is by creating a sensory rich environment, or having a sensory room. For a super simple sensory room, add some black paint and one of these awesome lights to an empty closet…that’s about as cheap, quick, and easy as it gets! Reducing anxiety will help reduce stimming behaviors.
Using judgment in public
If your child is rocking or spinning at a birthday party, let them! If they flap their hands in excitement, so what? If they are snapping or clicking while playing on the playground, it’s totally fine.
On the other hand…
If you’re sitting in church and your child gets up and starts spinning, it’s time for a redirection or removal. Some people will disagree with me (and that’s fine!), but I believe it is best to treat our autistic children with the same principles as we would neurotypical children.
Let me explain.
Crying is a perfectly normal response for a hungry, sleepy, or wet baby, right? But most of us wouldn’t just let our little bundle wail during a funeral, a wedding, or a church service. We would try to calm them; and if they continued, most of us would quietly get up and remove ourselves with the crying baby, so as to not cause a disruption. We would step out and change the baby, or rock them until they are calm, and then return to our seat once they are quiet.
Similarly, if your toddler is having a meltdown at a movie, I hope that you pick them up and take them out of the theater for a few moments, until they can quiet down. If you’re at the grocery store, no problem – it’s not like the shoppers are trying to focus on the overhead music! I’m sure your judgment will help you decide whether to allow your child’s behavior to continue, or to remove them from the situation until they are able to return calmly.
If we remove our nuerotypical children from certain situations when they are being disruptive, we should treat our autistic children just the same. When they are stimming in a disruptive manner at a time when quietness, stillness, or reverence are required, it is only fair to remove them from the situation as well, until they are able to commence without disrupting others.
If they are humming, or doing some other stimming behavior that is causing a disruption during a quiet or reverent event, use the same tactics. Try to calm them, by redirecting or offering some subtle sensory input. If they continue distracting others, quietly step out with them for a few minutes. Once they are calm, return to your seats.
The key is discerning your motivation. If you want to stop a stimming behavior because you’re concerned about what other people think, your motives need checking. The goal should not be to force our children to look good in the public eye, but to help them be able to function, to the best of their ability, in the real world. If you’re concerned about causing a disruption, try redirection or removal for a short time. But make sure to return once they are calm, so they know they can’t get away with using their behaviors to opt out of events.
2)If the child is injuring them self or others
This one should go without saying. If your child is injuring them self or someone else with their stimming behaviors, it definitely needs to stop. Immediately.
Try placing your child on a crash pad if they are banging their head against something hard. Get them some boxing gloves if they are punching things or people – and have them practice on a mattress or something else safe. If they are scratching or picking their skin, offer them a bouncy ball to pick apart. Those are just some simple redirection ideas, but it can get much more complex.
Self-injurious behaviors (or SIBs) can be much more severe. If your child stims by using an SIB, it is important to figure out what is causing it. A few things that can drastically change the frequency of these behaviors are picture communication cards, vitamin B6, and health assessments.
Your child may be resorting to self-injurious behaviors because they are in pain, and they are unable to tell you. It may be because they are anxious, or there may be some other underlying psychological issue that needs addressed. They may simply be seeking input, and don’t know when to stop. If simple redirection does not significantly decrease the frequency of SIBs, talk to your child’s pediatrician or psychologist about further investigation.
If your child’s stimming behaviors are somehow injuring others, again, it’s time to work on replacing that behavior with some other type of input.
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3)If the child is damaging property
Head banging can sometimes get out of control, and you may begin to see holes in your walls. If your child is damaging property somehow with their stimming behaviors, it’s time to replace it. Stims can be replaced with other behaviors, but the underlying cause must be discovered in order to make the switch successful. This way, the child still gets their needs met, without causing harm.
If a child is punching the walls, or breaking things constantly, they may need heavy work or deep pressure input. They may enjoy the sounds accompanying the behavior. They may simply be angry, and are looking for an outlet. All of these issues can be dealt with, and a replacement behavior can be found to meet their specific needs.
How do I know what is causing the stimming behavior?
Knowing what is causing a particular stimming behavior is the key to resolving it. Again, there is no need to try to stop stimming behaviors in general, unless they are harmful in some way. For those harmful behaviors, start watching very closely to looks for hints of a cause.
Keep a journal – it can be as simple as writing on your wall calendar. When you see the behavior, write down all the details you can think of:
- When does the behavior typically occur? Is there a pattern?
- What precedes the stimming behavior? How does your child behave afterwards?
- Does anything help calm your child during this stimming behavior? (In other words, if you offer them sensory input, food, drink, a calming strategy, etc., does it help them stop?)
- What has your child eaten/drank today?
- What is the weather like? (No, really. Barometric pressure can cause serious problems for people with sensory issues, including those with autism.)
- Has your child taken any medications?
- Where has your child been today?
Answering these questions will help you to find patterns associated with your child’s unwanted stimming behaviors. If you can find a pattern, you will have clues to the underlying cause. And knowing the underlying cause can help you find the right replacement behavior.
If you cannot find any patterns, there are a few things you can try, while waiting on a physician’s evaluation:
- Remove all artificial colors, flavors, preservatives, and sweeteners from your child’s diet.
- Try a completely gluten-free and caseine-free (dairy-free) diet.
- Supplement you child’s diet with vitamin B6 and vitamin D. (Deficiency in these can cause a slew of major issues, and many parents see behavioral changes immediately.)
You can also make sure your child is getting enough sensory input throughout the day. Some kids stim from stress when they do not receive enough sensory input. Try a pod swing like this one, which works wonders for my boys. A light projector can add a soothing effect to your child’s room, a sensory room, or tent; in turn, this can help reduce stimming behaviors. I have found that my younger son stims less when he wears his Snug noise-cancelling headphones. Try some different options to see what works for your child.
To stim or not to stim
That’s the big question! I hope this has cleared it up for you. Stimming in itself is not a bad thing. Children (and adults) can use these strategies to calm themselves and get the sensory input they need. If people stare, that’s their problem, Mama. But if your child’s stimming behaviors are causing a major disruption, or harm to them self, others, or property, try redirecting them. Otherwise, stim away! How does your child stim? Let me know in the comments!
I totally agree that just because the public doesn’t find these behaviors acceptable doesn’t mean the child shouldn’t be able to do it if it’s a coping mechanism.
It’s a tough one for some parents, because they are concerned about their kids being made fun of, or losing their own friends for that matter, but we can’t force our kids to suffer without a coping mechanism in uncomfortable situations.
This is so close to my heart. Thanks for sharing we are currently going through this horrible stimming phase where it is just constant and is a battle. So thank you for sharing this article it helped me see some better light.
I’m so glad this was timely for you, Susie! It can really be hard sometimes. Hang in there, and remind yourself that you are a good mama and you’re doing your best for your child! 💙
Wow, I learned so much from this post! I wasn’t familiar with the term stimming and this was a great introduction. It’s so helpful for me to read and know these things so that I’m able to support all of my fellow mamas. <3
Thanks, Jordan! I’m so glad you took the time to read this so you can support other mamas you know that deal with it. That’s the best kind of friend! 💙
I’ve never heard of this called stimming! I call it a nervous habit. I have a stimming issue with pulling my hair that my husband tries to help me with. It’s not just for kids!
Yes, the behaviors are known by many names, but stimming is the most commonly used one in the autistic community. It’s nice that your husband tries to redirect you when you get nervous – it’s good to have support from the people we love!
My kid starts jumping looking at something or i can say anything.. And that i cant say that by looking at what thing he starts jumping.. M so worried.. I cant help it… Even if he is writing something and he gets excited, he will start jumping
Why does his excitement worry you? My boys flap their hands and often jump at the same time, when they are excited about something. If it isn’t a danger to them, and they aren’t doing something blatantly inappropriate, there really is no need for concern or redirection. 🤷🏻♀️
This is such an informative post! I have never actually heard of the term stimming before, but I am glad to have been educated as to the appropriate terminology for it. I too believe that as long as a child is not hurting himself or others, who cares what the world says!
Exactly. What other people think isn’t important – our kids’ safety is!
My child stims by flapping her hands!
Love it!! Both of my boys flap a lot, and I just call them my happy flappy boys! 💙 Flapping is fun! 😄
My son stims by using his “twirly thing”. Basically it’s a T-shaped thing he built out of K’Nex that he spins around in one hand while he’s going about his daily life. He used to twirl juice box straws when he was a toddler, and that eventually turned into the iteration of the Twirly Thing he has now. My parents dislike that he has this, and my mom is always getting on him to put it down, or leave it at home. His other stim, when he doesn’t have access to his Twirly Thing, is picking his cuticles until they bleed. I, personally, don’t care one bit if he has that Twirly Thing everyday for the rest of his life if it means he doesn’t hurt himself. Nobody really makes fun of him for it, some people just question what it is and why he has it. It doesn’t distract him from doing what he needs to do, so I’m okay with him having it. It’s caused a couple disagreements between me and my parents. It’s really nice to see backup for my stance that as long as it’s not hurting him or others, it’s fine 🙂
Yes! I love the idea of the Twirly Thing! Especially being something your son made, so it’s personalized! It’s obviously perfect for him, and there is no need to snuff out his love for the Twirly Thing! People who don’t LIVE with autism usually don’t get the need for stimming and stimming tools. Hopefully your parents will eventually accept your son’s stimming as part of who he is, and stop seeing it as a hindrance or a bother. It sounds like a great thing to me! 😄
I have a child with Down syndrome who stems in multiple ways. I wholeheartedly agree with let him be him, except I feel a couple of the behaviors are creating issues. One is visual- he dangles objects, really anything he can get his hands on and his shirt sleeve if he has nothing else. He becomes so engrossed that he is unaware of what is going on around him and it can be hard to distract him from the “dangling” to accomplish tasks. Another is grunting and moaning. I do believe that it starts as self soothing and it will often increase with visual stemming, but it can be very distracting and frankly annoying to us (his family) and others. I worry about this interfering with relationships. It is definitely driving a wedge between him and his sister. She gets annoyed and frustrated and yells and then he responds in kind with increasing the noise. It’s fine at home, I can separate them, but it creates a lot of friction when we go out. Any suggestions on things to help? Sister takes headphones with her and we work to help her cope, but she is 13 so patience and tolerance are still under development. I expect a degree of friction between siblings but I don’t want this to drive his peers and friends away as this behavior has only developed over the past couple of years and keeps intensifying.
Thanks so much for sharing, Kelly! The headphones are a good start for his sister. My boys always have their headphones accessible because their stims often annoy each other. I have two ideas to start with: 1) using a toy to perform the stimming behavior, and 2) using a timer followed by a distraction. Here goes: 1) Have you tried giving your son any visual stim toys, which may be more socially acceptable? A water timer or some other portable toy may make social situations run smoother. People are much less likely to become irritated or distracted by someone flipping a water timer over, or watching a mini aquarium, than by a random object being dangled for long periods. 2) You could set a timer in which the stim is allowed, and then offer a distraction once the time limit is up. Offer a visual stimming toy when he starts to watch a dangling object, and allow him to stim freely with the toy for a set time (pick a time that is somewhere between the stimming and losing awareness of his surroundings. Since I don’t know him personally, I can’t really suggest a specific time, but use your judgment. If he usually stims for 10 minutes, then starts to get really engrossed in it after that, set the timer for 8-9 minutes, so you cut off the stimming before it crosses over into getting lost. Make sense?) Once the time is up, offer him a distraction that he will enjoy, to make a smooth transition. It may be a snack, another type of sensory input like therapy putty, or another toy or object that he typically plays with. Trade him for the visual stimming toy, and show excitement about the distraction.
As for the grunting and moaning, you would need to figure out the reason he is doing it. Vocal stims can be tricky. He may find it calming because of the chest vibration it causes. It could be auditory seeking, because he likes those particular sounds that he is making. Or it could be oral, and he likes holding his mouth in certain positions or getting a certain type of oral sensation by making the noises. Since it could be any of those things causing it, I would suggest trying one thing at a time to determine the cause and find a replacement behavior for social settings. For the record, my boys do quite a bit of vocal stimming, but I don’t usually discourage it unless it gets out of hand or becomes an issue in public. If it’s the chest vibrations that he finds calming, giving him a vibrating stuffed animal would provide similar input and lessen the stimming. If it’s an oral stim, you could try giving him a chew necklace, chewing gum (if he is capable of chewing without swallowing it – my boys are not!), or crunchy snacks when he begins the vocal stim. If it’s an auditory thing, you could offer him headphones with ASMR sounds or a recording of himself making those sounds, when he is in public. You’ve got lots of homework, mama! Try these out and please let me know what works for him! Also, keep in mind that the people that can’t handle him during his “annoying” moments wouldn’t make for good long term friends in the first place. 😉 I know the struggle, because every mom wants her children to be loved and accepted and surrounded by people who think they are awesome. We never want to see our kids lonely or sad, avoided, or made fun of. But we also have to teach them that it’s okay to be themselves. It’s a constant balance, and I’m sure you do a super job! 💙
In most cases, though, the rule with stimming should be that as long as it’s not causing problems, you should just let them enjoy it – and ‘looking weird’ really isn’t a problem unless people choose to make it one.
Exactly! If it’s not hurting the child or someone else, let them stim!
My son is 3 during evaluations they used to ask me questions do he stim I didn’t know what they was talking about now I am starting to see it.I have the head phones he used it when he was younger now he don’t want nothing on his head. Now he stims with noise he makes an beeping sound and claps or walk in circles depending where we are I leave he can stim at home but not in public I have let him in public though I am gonna use some of your ideas like journal cause I didn’t know what brings them on.
I’m so glad you found this helpful and plan to journal now, to figure out what brings on your son’s stimming behaviors! These stims don’t sound at all harmful, so he should be allowed to do them at home and in public. Stimming is a way to calm ourselves down and feel comfortable, so it’s actually a good thing most of the time. A bit of stimming is always better than a meltdown! 😉 Also, if he doesn’t like the headphones anymore, but you feel like the noise disrupts him, you could always try ear plugs! 🙂